Hey mr. X...

Man, I am such a baby.

I never thought I was such a baby, but I'm sitting here googling "fractures of the fifth metatarsal" and "foot surgery" and looking at x-rays where people have gotten screws put into their feet, and crying and generally being a big baby. It's weird, you know? I've had a looooooooong time to get used to the whole idea - it didn't come as a surprise when the SURGEON I was referred to said "you have to have surgery." Gee, no kidding. I don't know what I'm scared of more, someone cutting me open and putting screws into my foot, or not being able to walk for three months afterwards. I'm horrified at the thought of not being able to do anything for myself.

And it makes me feel bad that there are people out there who have to deal with being an invalid all the time. It makes me feel badly that Marissa is across the hall rolling her eyes at my fear because she had a curve in her spine and had to have a steel rod fused to her spinal cord.

The closest I've come to surgery is when I rode my bike into a ravine and smashed my face into rocks. I have to get stitches in my forehead and nose and mouth. I was staying at my aunt's house while my dad was having a "romantic weekend" with his girlfriend in some motel. When he drove me the 8 hours home to my mother's, I wouldn't get out of the car. mom says that I told her I was worried she wouldn't love me anymore 'cause I was ugly.

I can't even talk to anyone about any of this anymore. Marissa is sick of hearing about it, I know because she rolls her eyes if I say my foot is hurting me. Kate is more subtle but I'm sure she is as well, mostly though, I think it's that she doesn't know what to say, because there's nothing she can do. I can't talk to my mom because she doesn't understand why I'm worrying now and I don't even have a date for the surgery yet. She says I'm creating problems for myself. Secretly I think she just doesn't know what to say either. So, I get to tell you. through email, which you don't ever check anyway. haha. And when you do get it you won't know what to say either.

Anyway, I should get to bed...sorry for dumping on you.

'night